When I began this blog I had hoped it would be a therapeutic outlet. I had hoped that by getting my emotions and experiences out of my head I would be able to move on and find some sense of normal again. I was wrong.
I think I was kidding myself when I wrote that I was ok, and that I was so strong and that through my pain I was going to find strength. I thought that if I said it, it would have to be true. It's not.

This is NOT therapeutic and it is NOT helping me get over my pain therefor I am not going to kid myself anymore.

But there is something I need to say. to no one in particular, just something I need to get out of my head.

Tommorow is my due date.
I should be bringing my little Benjamin home from the hospital and introducing him to the rest of his family.
The women I was pregnant "with" are all having there babies, friends and family that found out they were expecting in the last few months are having ultrasounds and planning baby showers.

My baby died.

I wish I could find the words to describe the pain that I feel, and the anger that I have. I wish I knew why this happened. I wish I had my baby.
I pray everyday that God will show me why this happened, I question God everyday. I have a stronger faith than ever and yet I question that faith daily. 

I would give anything to be bringing my little boy home from the hospital.