"If I could have, I would have stayed pregnant forever"

If I could have I would have stayed pregnant forever, simply so I would never have had to let him go. Despite my hopes that I was carrying a girl, I wanted this little boy more than anything.

That being said, I did not think that I could handle carrying my baby to term knowing that I was going to have to watch him die. It's that simple, it's that selfish. I didn't think I could handle it. I want to be able to say , it would be too hard on my boys to put them through an entire 9 months with no baby at the end, or, I have to take care of myself and this thyroid needs to be taken care of, or, It would be too hard on my body or my marriage.. I could come up with a million excuses but the truth is, I couldnt stand the thought of watching my baby die.

December 2ND 2009 I checked into the hospital to begin the induction.

I gave birth, after a long and agonizing labor, on December 4Th 2009.

Benjamin Michael, My angel was born.

His perfect body was only 10 inches long and weighed only 14 ounces . How could it be that he looked so perfect and yet he couldn't stay with us?


I was able to have and hold and love my baby for 5 hours before his heart grew quiet. Although I had thought this would be a terrible experience, watching my baby die, I feel so lucky and so blessed to have had this time with him, if there was any way that he could feel my love, I have no doubt that he felt it. I tucked him into my gown and put his heart on mine, and told him over and over again how much I loved him and how badly I wanted him to stay with me. This is a moment that will never leave my memory. I am so thankful that he lived even for that short period of time. There is no other place I would have rather had him be when he took his last breath than in his mothers arms. It was also the deepest pain I have ever felt.



the next couple of weeks were so surreal.

Planning a funeral for my baby? How could this be happening?

Trying to keep a strong face for the 3 boys I had waiting for me at home was close to impossible but I did it. for the most part.

I had no idea how to interact with my friends and family, I wanted to be strong and be able to carry on so I put on a brave face and tried to convince everyone that I was OK. Inside I was dying. I'm sure they thought I was crazy. and they were probably right.